Archive for September, 2009

Eulogy of a mouse

Sunday, September 13th, 2009

In the early hours of the morning when I was about to go to bed, I felt I should take a walk in the garden. Three of my dogs greeted me, however, the fourth was conspicuously missing. He was sitting in the other end of the garden holding something that had a very long tail in his mouth. I forced him to give up his possession, and a limp, wet little field mouse was placed in my palm. She seemed dead. I did mouth to mouse, massaged her heart, mouth to mouse, and so on. She opened her eyes and started breathing. Her eyes seemed to look into infinity and her breathing was ragged. I started warming her little body, and she made tiny squeaky sounds. Slowly, her breathing became calmer. I enveloped her in a pink and green bubble of love, wanting her to live. Tried to pump into her my life force and healing. She lived for two hours and died peacefully. With misty eyes I was staring at her little body, the big ears, the tiny hands, the beautiful silvery fur. So perfect, so beautiful. Dead. She could have experienced motherhood, running in the fields, frolicking in the grass, following scents, so many experiences she will never have. I managed to bring her back to life for just enough time to die enveloped in love… I hope…

Why am I the victim of cancer? Why did I get my cancer? What do beliefs have to do with my illness?

Sunday, September 13th, 2009

Question: It started with breast cancer and it went over to the bones and liver. I got chemotherapy and the blood tests have shown betterment in the past, but now it does not seem that I react. Why did I get it? I wonder whether this is the result of my life as a picture of a bad path. I went to a religious man and he said it was because of my evil ways of living, away from following the Godly path.

Answer: Let’s start with the spiritual why. During the years you have distanced yourself from your self, you decided to conform to your beliefs and repressed, suppressed your wishes as insufficient to do something about them. That is, you saw that your life was fairly good, and so, you let go of the very strong wish, the desire for a man’s love to you. On the outside you have done things correctly, yet it started a process of spiritual decay in the sense that you did not change what you wanted when physical reality presented you with a different picture, you only suppressed it. You thought of yourself as a ‘realistic’ person. Your  body did have the message of wanting, of reaching out, and that is exactly what the cells started doing. Your genetic tendency has then been activated when you buried your desire for couplehood and children under your beliefs and values.